We’re coming back with part two of welcoming back because we want to talk about how to help the other kids welcome back a classmate who’s been dysregulated and needed to take a break, or we had to clear the room with all of the other students. When this happens, how do we continue to build and strengthen our learning communities?
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Show Notes
Choice Literacy sponsored this episode.
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Quotables
“This is not the kind of work that we expected to be doing at all, but it is really beautiful work.”
“We can preserve the dignity of the child who is struggling and protect the others from the hardest parts.”
“You have to regulate yourself before you can begin to regulate others.”
“Our emotions are contagious.”
“Everyone makes mistakes. We can help each other know it’s okay to make mistakes.”
“When you give kids the voice to navigate tricky situations and help them stay rooted in finding the good and leading with empathy, they do lead this work.”
“The kids lead so much of this work because to them, this is just the kind of people we are.”
“We’re a community, we love each other, and we’re going to keep going.”
Let’s Be Social
Transcript (AI-Generated)
[00:00:00] Ruth: Is such beautiful work, Becca. Not the kind of work that we expected to be doing right at all, but really beautiful work. This idea of, you know, taking what could be an ugly situation and helping process it from a lot of different angles.
And it just strikes me that this is the work of today’s teachers, because if we don’t do this work, then it’s really hard to be positioned to learn.
And that ultimately, right is what we want to do, is we want to teach academics and standards and all this learning. But if we don’t position kids to do that, then those things really kind of trump our ability to learn.
[00:00:51] : We’re coming back with part two, Welcoming back, Because we want to talk about how to help the other kids. Welcome back a classmate who’s been dysregulated, and it was extreme enough that either they’ve left the room to take a break, or we’ve had to clear the room with all the other students. When this happens, how do we continue to build and strengthen our learning community?
This is sticky hope.
[00:01:24] Becca: When I think about welcoming back, this is typically the situation that jumps into my brain. It’s the conversation I have the most.
[00:01:31] Ruth: Right.
[00:01:32] Becca: And so people who are working to welcome kids back who have had extreme dysregulated behavior just are really unsure of. Of how to do that.
And so I am hoping that we’re able to provide some. Some guidance around that and some things that have worked for us.
And mine is our ideas are based in experience. Right? And so when a child has had a behavior that’s led to, like, evacuating the classroom, the other children having to leave, and then eventually the child who’s experiencing the behavior leaves the room before anyone even comes back into the room. My first step is to, like, stop and look at our environment and consider what I need to do before the other kids who were not as disregulated, not causing the disruption like before they reenter our space like our home, we need to. I need to consider what needs to be fixed. If there’s books that need to be put back on the shelves, if there are chairs or desks or furniture pieces that need to be put back, what do I need to do to make sure that they’re not going to come in and immediately feel the impact of what happened. Again, the likelihood is that they weren’t even there for the most extreme part of what happened. And they. There’s no need for them to know about the worst part or the hardest parts of what happened. And I can. Can almost, like, protect them or or shield them from the hardest parts by putting everything back how it belongs before they come into the room and then the next kind of thing that I think.
[00:03:18] Ruth: But also during that time, I think it’s so natural for you that you almost are. Forget this piece. So you’re. You’re putting back your physical space.
[00:03:28] Becca: Yeah.
[00:03:29] Ruth: But we’re also being mindful about just our own emotions and what our brains need in order to welcome back. Because that. It’s hard. So you know, it.
There is a lot of work when we have. There’s a lot of internal work and mindset in order to be prepared. Because I can speak from experience of that happening in our home over and over and over. And so sometimes if there’s this child who’s dysregulated a lot, it’s really easy to fall into this mindset of, oh, here we go again, or one more time, or even it would be so much easier if they just weren’t in the room.
And so. And I think right after those things happen, I know for me, I really had to take some breath. Like, I had to take some deep breaths. I had to. Oftentimes I would need to write a little bit just to get things out, but I had to intentionally reset myself. And when I’m in a school, I have to do that quickly or be able to communicate to someone that I’m not ready to welcome back. So I, like, there’s that piece of it too, for sure.
[00:05:01] Becca: And you’re right. Like, that’s something I’ve learned to do just kind of instinctually. I didn’t think about that step, but it’s a critical one.
[00:05:08] Ruth: Right.
[00:05:09] Becca: Like, you have to regulate yourself before you can begin to regulate the other 18 kids you’re about to bring back into this space. And that can take a hot minute.
[00:05:20] Ruth: Right.
[00:05:20] Becca: And you need to know what will help you and that what will help me might be different than what helps you, but it helps to know what grounds you, what regulates you so that you can access those tools in that moment. And it helps to know who to go, who you can go to, who’s around you that you can tag in or say, I need more than two minutes before I can welcome these kids in. And more like we can keep in mind, Right.
[00:05:50] Ruth: Like, our emotions are contagious. So when that kind of extreme situation happens, now you have a class, who’s going to come back in, and there’s probably a lot of things that they’re feeling when they come back in. There’s a lot of things that we’re feeling as the adults in this situation. But just like to remind ourselves, it is really important and critical for teachers to remember that our emotions are contagious, for sure.
[00:06:22] Becca: And there’s a lot of brain science. We should do a whole episode on mirror neurons.
There’s a lot of brain science that goes into, like, how you’re acting in a moment is influencing the behavior and the feelings of those around you.
And so being aware of that and being ready for those other 18 kids is. Is critical. And take the time you need and. And practice it taking less and less time so that you can get to those other kids and help them start regulating as. As quickly as is possible.
And also remember that, like, more than likely, they’re in a safe and welcoming space where that teacher will happily read them another book or they will happily pull the play DOH out so that your kids have a safe place to be while you get an extra drink of water or run to the bathroom before you go and collect the kids back.
And then, like, the moment you’re face to face with those kids who, the last time you saw them, you were shuffling them out the door because unsafe things were happening in the classroom, you need to be ready to kind of rewrite their thinking. Not to erase their thinking.
[00:07:39] Ruth: Right.
[00:07:39] Becca: But to help them think through what’s happening or what happened and be ready to think about it in a way that we think as a class.
[00:07:48] Ruth: Right.
[00:07:48] Becca: Like, we see everyone has a hard time sometimes. That was a really hard time. But we’re going to figure this out together, and we’re going to process it together.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: Yeah. So the kids are coming back into your room, right? And, like, let’s say, like. So they come back in, and they might say, like, harper, hurt me.
What are you saying back to them?
[00:08:10] Becca Like. Or, well, like, my first instinct is, are you okay?
[00:08:14] Ruth: Right.
[00:08:15] Becca: Like, you don’t want to negate whether they’re hurt. You don’t want to. Like, that’s not a debate. But you can check in on them, and nine times out of 10, they’re. They’re not hurt physically, and they might be confused by the action. And in the end, they might say like, well, the book hit me when she threw it.
And you’d be like, ooh. Like, it felt really yucky when the book hit you because, you know, we’re not supposed to throw things. And. And that really confused you, and you just kind of acknowledge it and don’t try to justify it.
[00:08:47] Ruth: Right.
[00:08:48] Becca: Like, we don’t throw things in here.
But, like, also, you’re not like, bleeding and on the ground.
[00:08:57] Ruth: I might come in, like in your kindergarten classroom, and I could imagine somebody saying, Nolan was so mean.
[00:09:06] Becca: Yeah. And that is something I would debate because there is, There is a difference between mean and dysregulated or mean and frustrated. And the difference is intentionality.
And so my, my perspective is like, if Nolan is so frustrated that someone gets hurt, then that is rooted in his frustration, not him trying to hurt someone. If Nolan wants your toy and stomps on your foot to get your toy, that is mean because he’s intentionally trying to hurt you in order to get your toy.
And so those are conversations, one that we would already be having.
[00:09:50] Ruth: Right.
[00:09:50] Becca: Like, those are conversations we would have already had. And so it would be more of a reminder conversation at this point, but it would be like, oh, like you were noticing how frustrated Nolan was or how upset Nolan was, and he was doing some. Some big, hard things and you kind of want to rephrase it, taking that word mean out and helping them to see the bigger root of what was happening.
[00:10:22] Ruth: So just like, how would that conversation sound? Like, just in real time. So I say, Mrs. Burke, Nolan was so mean.
[00:10:31] Becca: Yeah. So I would say you noticed how frustrated Nolan was when I told him it was time to go on espark on our iPads. He threw that iPad. And he was so frustrated. And you were seeing him say and do some things that, you know, we’re not supposed to do in school. And the kids would either. Some kids will be like, yeah, right. And that’s kind of the end of, like, they’ve accepted, oh, he was just upset. And then other kids are going to be like, yeah, he shouldn’t have said those things. He was so mean to you. And I would come back and say, you know, like, he. He was so upset that he didn’t get to choose the app on the iPad, that he said some, some things that could really hurt me. But I just knew he was upset. And I can keep coming back. Like, he was upset, he was frustrated. He was upset, he was frustrated. And that messaging comes through as they’re trying to make sense of the situation. They get to a point of accepting, like, oh, really? Those behaviors were rooted in his frustration or his upset.
[00:11:39] Ruth: Yeah. So, Becca, you do a lot of work with shared narratives, so kind of been talking about, like, they’re coming in and you’re like, these questions are popping off. Right.
In a very organic five and six year old way. Like they’re just popping off and you’re kind of having these Conversations I can imagine in your classroom, because we’ve been there. You know, there’s probably some people with the play.
[00:12:03] Becca: D’oh.
[00:12:03] Ruth: And some people have markers, and some people are building train tracks, and they’re kind of talking. And my guess is you’re going to then gather the group together to begin to have a shared narrative about what happened.
[00:12:16] Becca: Yeah. And when we tell shared stories, shared narratives about shared experiences, it’s important that the kids have a say that, like, in what the important parts of the story are, but also that, like, we are the adults, and they. They know that we’re helping them to see the important parts. And so I like to pull the kids who. The other kids to the rug before I. Before we welcome back the child who experienced dysregulation. I pull the other kids to the rug, and I just kind of name what happened.
[00:12:53] Ruth: Right.
[00:12:54] Becca: Nolan was super frustrated when I said it was time to go on Espark on our iPads. He threw his iPads. His iPad. He said some things, and because he was doing some things that could get some kids hurt, you had to leave the room. I helped keep Nolan safe. He’s with people who are keeping him safe right now.
And then, like, I mean, at 5 and 6, they’re, like, jumping in. Right. Like, they’re adding to it. They’re talking about their feelings, and they’re really thinking about, like, oh, like, here are the facts of what happened. And. And, like, they might say, like, it was really scary when he threw his iPad. It was surprising when he threw his iPad. And you want to, like, respect that.
[00:13:40] Speaker D: Right.
[00:13:40] Becca: Like, oh, I can see how that was scary.
[00:13:43] Ruth: Right.
[00:13:43] Becca: But then you start to retell the narrative, and that’s not a part you include. Like, Nolan got really frustrated when it was time to go on Espark on our iPad.
He threw his iPad. We had to leave the room.
[00:13:57] Ruth: Right.
[00:13:57] Becca: And you kind of go through the really basic pieces of it, and that’s how they start to process it at some point. I typically connect it to our classroom vision. So every year in our classroom, we have, like, a. These are the things we stick to. Like, we are the kind of people who.
And they help write it at the beginning of the year. So this year, they, like, talk about being grateful and kind, and they make mistakes and try again, and they ask for help and help each other. And it’s, like, really rooted in, like, the idea, like, we’re kind and respectful people, and they have very specific things that they come up with. And so as we’re writing this narrative about what happened, they tend to link back on their own to the vision and how some things went against our classroom vision. And that’s when I get the chance to say, like, oh, man, like, we’ve agreed that these are the things we’re going to do.
And everyone makes mistakes sometimes. And that’s when I can start to pull in empathy of, like, imagine, like, what it feels like to know you went against what you agreed to do. And how are you going to help Nolan enter in knowing it’s okay to make mistakes.
[00:15:11] Ruth: It’s such beautiful work, Becca. Not the kind of work that we expected to be doing right at all. Said, really beautiful work. This idea of, you know, taking what could be an ugly situation and helping process it from a lot of different angles.
And it just strikes me that this is the work of today’s teachers, because if we don’t do this work, then it’s really hard to be positioned to learn. And. And that ultimately, right, is what we want to do, is we want to teach academics and standards and all this learning, but if we don’t position kids to do that, then those things really kind of trump our ability to learn.
[00:16:03] Speaker C: Yeah. And it can be tricky, right? There’s no guidebook to this work because it’s not what teaching what education has always looked like. And so everyone’s kind of working to figure it out together right now.
And when you give kids the voice in how to navigate these situations and help them stay rooted and finding the good and leading with empathy, they really lead this work.
[00:16:33] Speaker D: Right.
[00:16:33] Speaker C: Like when you ask me to put it into step by steps, so much of what I’m doing in my head is like, okay, what did the kids do next?
[00:16:41] Speaker D: Right.
[00:16:42] Speaker C: Like, they kind of lead so much of what we’re doing because to them, this is just who we are.
[00:16:48] Speaker D: Right?
[00:16:48] Speaker C: Like, everyone has a hard time sometimes. I have a hard time sometimes. It’s going to look different than like, everyone’s hard time looks different. And we’re a community. We’re a class family. We love each other, and we’re going to keep going.
And it’s really beautiful to watch them do that work.
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